Alignment

It was beach weather in Glenelg.
I walked by the water’s edge for an hour.
I had decided that today was going to be Special.

I took in the sun, the sights, the salty sea air. 
I also took detours. I stopped to buy beach towels,
and then I stopped to eat a deep-fried potato on a stick.

There were people everywhere.
People on the jetty, people in the water,
and people playing volleyball in the sand.

I took my place among them.
I laid down my towel and my bag,
And walked barefoot towards the sea.

I noticed how the sand felt between my toes.
I noticed how the waves crashed against my shins.
I noticed how the wind collided with my arms and my face.

It wasn’t pleasant. Any of it.
The sand was grains and rocks and broken shells,
The hostile wind and warmthless water assailed my senses.

Today was supposed to be Special.
I returned to my towel, dried myself off, and lay down.
If the water wasn’t going to be my friend, at least there was sun.

I lay on my back, and closed my eyelids.
The wind continued to assail my person and my things.
A million tiny grains of sand blew onto my cheeks, and filled my ears.

I wanted to block my ears with my hands.
But my hands were occupied, holding down my towel.
Eyes still closed, I gritted my teeth. “Today is going to be Special.”

But it didn’t matter if I turned my head or my body.
The abrasive sand kept finding its way into where it wasn’t welcome.
I sat up, brushed off the sand, and sighed. This wasn’t going to work out.

I looked at all the visible beauty, and at all the happy people.
“I am excluded,” I said. “Everyone knows how to enjoy this, except me.”
“What is wrong with me, that I can’t enjoy a wonderful beach day like a normal person?”

Was everyone truly having a great time? I had no evidence to the contrary.
Was I broken for experiencing the beach as sensory hell? I wouldn’t judge anyone else for it.
Why do I feel a kind of shame, as if it’s a moral failing to write an unflattering poem about nature?

Foxes and rabbits are not aligned, neither are fire and snow.
Nature is not always aligned with itself. And I am nature as much as the sea.
Today was not Special for the beach and me, but that’s okay. 

Because now I fucking know.